When your every day seems to be the worst day
And everyone around you laughs at what you say
When things never go your way
And your blue skies fade to grey

Look to your left.
I may not be the best but I might be your only friend left.

When you know you’ve exhausted your best
Yet people only see your worst
When you’ve been troubled with insistent doubts
And your feeble heart has been torn out

Look to your right.
I may not be able to make everything right but I promise to share some light.

When the reality kicking in were your good-ol’-days’ nightmares
And you can’t take no more their poignant stares
When your effort seems to make no difference
And it pierces bad as you try to feign indifference

Look to your back.
I may not be able to fill in every blank but I’ll help you bring your life back.

When you get thawed out with society’s annihilation
And you can’t seem to leave everything in oblivion
When you’ve been astray for so long
And you see sorrow in the lines of every song

Look around you.
I may also be feeling blue but I promise to stay compassionate and true.

When you’ve been drowning in fatal despair
And everybody seems too busy to care
When you’ve been chasing thousands of miles
Just to win back your old-times smiles

Come to me and lock the door.
I’ll give you a blissful escape from the world.
You’ll find joy you’ve never had in a long while
As I give you my all to re-illuminate your life.

I’ve always loved these girls I’m with in our Saigon house. They have always been my laughter away from home. We do have misunderstandings sometimes, which, well, just keep things balanced, but we also share so many things in common making us love each other all along. We laugh together, discuss about whatsoever ’round the dining table, dwell on some crappy stuff (though we know it aint worth any of our time), and watch ourselves let go of self-control and shop-till-we-go-home-broke.

But topping everything off so far is the ever unforgettable incident last night. We had an impromptu drinking session in the house. No birthday, no holiday, no bonus coming, not even a payday. It just sprang (unanimously) from the corners of our brains - to let loose! Well, the girls ONLY had rhum, red wine, vodka and beer respectively. Now who wouldn’t drop dead? Sad to note, I couldn’t share the same sensation they had all over them. I had a tooth extracted the previous day (and they say I may die) so I only had 3 shots. (I kept wishing I had much more and I could picture myself not even making it to my bed. haha!).

Yet I had so much fun all the same! In the card games (winning was the best part, hehe!), in watching the girls with their best body moves, forgetting about themselves and everything else in the world, and of course, in rescuing “her” who went (so overly) hysterical! Need I divulge your identity, girlie? hehehe… That was so irritating but splendid at the same time. It made the night OUR NIGHT. I love you girl!

That was just the first round girls. I could see more spontaneous rounds coming. Say, next week? hehe..

Nothing is ever more dreadful than missing someone you’d never have the chance to be with (again) all your life.

Not until I was home when I realized I missed my mom much more than I thought and felt. I missed her way of scolding me when my stubborn side goes active, her irritating nags when I go off track (I always did), her sweet good-morning kiss that wakes me up (and leaves my dream unfinished), her tight morning embrace that pulls me out from my bed for breakfast, and of course, our conversations (which most of the time end up in heated arguments).

Missing someone who’s thousands of miles away is far better than missing someone you could never be with anymore… never see, feel, talk with, share life with. Yeah, I missed my Mama darn much. But you have no idea how terribly I miss my father. And sad to note, I’m gonna miss him for the rest of my existence.

Little did I know about the feedbacks from our relatives and neighbors during those dismal days of my family’s life. Until Mama relayed them to me just last month. It was generally about how tough I seemed to them in handling an unthinkably miserable situation. But here’s what struck me like hell: “she’s such a rock-hearted one”. This line got me gnashing my teeth, teary-eyed.

Like they have any idea of how excruciating those days were to me?!?

These people should have taken the time to understand, seeing my almost-dying mother, that I needed to exhaust as much strength as I could to neutralize the scenario. That whenever my mom started to weep, I had to calm down so I could calm her down as well. That whenever she started shouting for my father’s life back, I had to swallow my tears and manage to say soft and comforting words to ease her a bit. That whenever she was down on her knees, unconscious, I had to regain my composure and show her I was always there for her, strong for her and for our family. That whenever she talked about dying with my father, I had to be a confident counselor to at least enlighten her dim mind.

Now, imagine those days if I was as desperate as my mom was. Sigh…

Mama has always believed in my strength. She knows me more than anyone else does. I know how proud she was of me then. And I know she saw the blood in me despite my painless facade. I know she saw my bleeding heart.

I was 9 when I first had a crush. I still remember his complete name but have no idea where he is now. The feeling is hitherto clear - the giggles, how my heart throbbed upon the sight of him, and how inspired I was to go to school so I could gaze at his smile. He was so cute, no doubt. But he wasn’t the smartass type I’ve always wanted. I eventually saw no point in feeling what I felt for him. Hence, the decision to bring everything to a close. And yes, I was successful. (JMT)

I was 12 when I first had a “childish love” relationship. He was only 10 but was amazingly more serious than I was. My mom used to laugh at his so aromatic love letters written on Grade 4 pad paper. It took me a decade to understand how a then-romantic letter of my 10-year-old “boyfriend” seemed so funny to my mom. Puppy love, so they call it, but to me it felt so real. Yes, it did though it was only all about love letters and love songs - nothing more, nothing less. I seriously thought I was in love, which, looking back now, makes me laugh at myself. Oh well, it’s part of growing up. Until came a point when I realized there’s more to life than being with him. And at 12, I knew I was young, so young. So I decided to let go of the feeling, let go of him. And yes, I was successful. (RIB)

I was 16 when I had my first “real” relationship, a valid one I should say. The cyclic on-and-off went on for 2 years, more or less. The fact that we still came back to each other after a series of breakups made me think it was it. Like, I’ve already pictured myself growing old with him. He was loved by my family and I as well was loved by his. Or so I felt. However, we had to be literally apart when he needed to transfer to another school, which, unfortunately, was a perfect leeway for cheating. I know it’s never something to be proud of but I admit I cheated. I two-timed. Yes I did, after a couple of months of no communication. Those who have limited knowledge of the real story would most likely think me callous. Well, fair enough. But as I mulled it over for some time I realized later that my two-timing was passable enough. Sad to note, I was shadowed with pain while on the verge of losing him forever but I decided to let go - of him and of the feeling. It was then that I discovered a strong woman in me. (JTO)

I was 18 when I dragged myself into a “taboo” relationship. I knew it was never socially acceptable but I just felt like being in it. I have always been a risk taker and I care not about the consequences of my actions. So I rose to the seemingly enthralling bait and found myself drowning in society’s disparagement. Oh well, I saw no alternative but to bury the shame by turning a blind eye. That was one hell of an adventure anyhow. Regrets? There’s no room for such in my life, but for learning encounters. Nonetheless, I knew, since the beginning of the relationship that it was gonna end sooner or later. I never intended to live in extreme divergence all my life and it’s that intention which helped me decide to let go. The process was pretty much tougher than you could ever imagine but I was able to make ends meet. Yeah, I proudly did! (GNC)

I was 21 when I discovered an admirable man in Mr. Giovanni Taok. We’d been mere acquaintances then and it was only after 3 years when I realized there was something special about him which I still can’t figure out until now. We became sms friends. We dated. We competed at arcade zones. We watched movies. We ate dinner together. We chitchatted. We debated on so many things - with and without sense. We walked the streets of Cebu City on fine starry nights. The next thing we knew was we were already holding each other’s hands, making us conclude it was already it. We followed the signs. We followed our heartbeats. We saw each other’s worth and decided, after a careful deliberation (ahem!), to invest emotions.

We’ve been together for 28 months now and I am so glad I decided to love him.

Loving, letting go, knowing how much emotion to invest… Everything is just a matter of the mind. Thus, a choice, a decision

I have always been a hedonism buff. I never settle for subliminal pleasures. I may be austere-looking and quite difficult to get along with but that’s superficial. Life for me is associated with fun, nothing more, nothing less. When I play, I go wild like there’s no such thing as a “next time”. But of course, when I work, I give it my best all the time too.

There are times when the things I do don’t really satisfy me. It’s the i-know-what-im-doing-and-i-know-it’s-not-right taking its toll on me. So what? I need not satisfy myself all the time. I’ve always been doing what I want to and have made mistakes all along. Ever regret anything? Nah. That’s so not me.

Every day is a new day. Every sunshine is a bliss. Every smile is a gift. And every mistake comes with pleasure. Or it has to so I won’t turn out a loser. Optimism, that is.

I have made countless mistakes in my 23 years of existence. Some significant, others never worthy of a memory.

REGRETS? Never had one.

The clock’s hands seem pulled backwards. Time warps indeed when you are overly excited. Though there’s joy as the day ends. Minus one, and the longing is cut short. Then I smile.

It’s how things are when you’ve been destitute of a homey comfort for almost a year.

Please let me be home… now!

I had a blast last night! Reliving those never-thought-would-be-back high school giggles was incomparably remarkable! My world froze for a night. And how I wished the freezing lasted much longer. Fun? That’s an understatement.

To a deviant like me, distinguishing right from wrong has always been one of the most difficult things to do. Yet I’ve never been bothered. I have learned that it isn’t merely being right that satisfies. Well, relatively. When things seem to be beyond my control, and I can’t seem to rationalize properly, I care not. Or at least I tell myself not to.

But ain’t it cool when you hang loose, forget about your limits for some time and realize right after that things wouldn’t have been any better if you didn’t?

In my entire life, all I wanna do is have fun! And that’s what it takes to exist.

Ani-a nag-inusara, mga ngabil nagkurog sa katugnaw

Dili matugkad ang kalawum sa panghupaw

Mga mata nga masulub-un, sa layu nagtan-aw tan-aw

Adlaw, gabi-i, maningkamut bisan sa pagtagpilaw

Mga mata nga mahandumun, pagkadali mapukaw

Mga buktun wa’y kusug, ang huna-huna daw sa hangin naglutaw lutaw

Dughan ku nag aninag, daw gilumsan sa tumang kamingaw

Ug di matupngan nga kauhaw

Sa Sugbu-anun’g sidlak sa adlaw.

(echo) aw… aw… aw… lol!

Yeah, yeah… am a frustrated Cebuano-Visayan poet.. chance na lang beh.. Ace, pwede na? hehehe…

It’s December 24, 2007 (Monday). I just came home from school, alone. I went ahead of the girls cos they still have one 45-minute class. In my mind are the tasks I need to accomplish – send a report to Mr. Tu, send the Minutes of the Meeting to the team, prepare fruit salad (my assignment), update my Iskolar posts, etc. Before I left Nhan Van School, it was Jingle Bells playing in Vic’s classroom. Oh yeah, it’s Christmas! And the fact that I was only reminded by the song suddenly disheartened me.

I made my way out of the campus while trying my best to tease my mind with a festival of thoughts - home, my family, my friends, my honeybaby, my super ecstatic Cebu lifestyle. I hummed Christmas songs, thought of the variety of food laid on the table, the firecrackers, my siblings’ chuckles, the greeting calls and text messages.

I imagined coming home – as in home, literally, with my mom and gay siblings. Yet such imagination seemed valid for only, say, 5 minutes.

I walked along the normally busy street. It’s just the same ordinary day, sad to note. The sudden surge of longing took its toll on me. Then I heard Jingle Bells again. This time it’s in Vietnamese language. And darn, it aggravated the gloom! It was nothing less than a prevailing reminder of how distant I am from everything I used to take pleasure in. Sigh…

My hankering seems invincible now and the next thing I knew was I was already sobbing. I turned up the volume of my so loved Akon hits hoping it would defeat the emptiness. Unfortunately, it fell short, for the sadness is much much louder. Oh well, I passed the poignant 15 minutes in tears.

I would have been in high spirits now. It would have been overly delightful sharing happy thoughts with my family around the table when the clock strikes 12. I would have been making them laugh with all my funny stories. I would have been bursting out in earsplitting laughter with my brother’s really comic ways. I would have been feeling high when they kiss and hug me. Would-have-beens… Sigh…

Christmas would have been merry if I were home.

You’ve been asking how I am

I intended to stay soundless.

You asked about my silence

I’m trying to remain in the stillness.

Baby, you ought to know

My heart has been in limbo

Intolerable, this distance seems

But there’s nothing and no one to blame

Trains of thoughts are playin’

In my mind they enjoy stayin’

Singin’ contradictory ideas

Adding up to this shitty dilemma

Will I be able to take the miles

If I should be away for a longer while?

Will you be able to take the longer wait

If I’d say “one more year, babe”?

Sigh…

I’m confronted with the urge to rise to the bait

That the pressures around me have laid

Yet a number of fears fog my sight

Fears that I know could impinge on my life.

All I want is to be with you

In this lifetime, to be loved by you.

But babe, understand my silence please

For I’m in a thorny decision-making process.

I LOVE YOU.